I tried to speak up and say what I wanted and needed today, but it didn't really get heard or noticed. I got tired, so I stopped trying. Prolly not that great of an idea, the whole giving-up thing. People at home know me better and care for me more efficiently--right now I feel as if I am very hard to get to know.
It is not fun, being cryptic or whatever it is that separates me from other people so very much. Is it that I see it so starkly that makes me feel so isolated or is it that I am separated more than they are? It doesn't make sense to think I'm any different than the people around me, but it doesn't make any sense to treat myself the way they seem to treat themselves.
I almost cried several times today, just trying to understand and be understood about the simplest things; where I was going when I left the house, why I was mopping at 10 in the morning, what I was going to have for lunch.
So. Far. Away. So much of who I am goes on behind my skin.
And so busy. Alone, alone, alone, and unable to express myself. It is not anyone's fault that I feel this way but my own. How I hate emotions. God has a plan for them, some reason why I feel like my gut is being ripped open, but for my life I cannot see it. I always seem to have to be discouraging emotions as they seem to lead me in all sorts of the wrong directions, to selfish ends.
My peace is a restless and brooding one. It feels odd that I must fight for and adamantly defend my sense of peace and confident rest, but so it must be, I suppose.
A friend of mine was teasing me, yesterday, saying that I hate children. We both knew it wasn't true and that he was just joking, but for some reason a sensitive and volatile part of me wanted to lash out and tell him to hold his silence if the only thing he could say was something that would make me less like my friends. I want very much to be a part of a Christian whole, here, and I just can't feel it happening.
And I'm sitting in the Reading Room, crying at a computer screen. Brilliant. I am so very tired.
(Yeah, don't worry: tomorrow I will rest and be healed and get a bus pass and enough sleep and not wear shoes that give me blisters.)