Tuesday, June 12

An Apt Blog: because it wouldn't really be appropriate anywhere else.

I tried to speak up and say what I wanted and needed today, but it didn't really get heard or noticed. I got tired, so I stopped trying. Prolly not that great of an idea, the whole giving-up thing. People at home know me better and care for me more efficiently--right now I feel as if I am very hard to get to know.

It is not fun, being cryptic or whatever it is that separates me from other people so very much. Is it that I see it so starkly that makes me feel so isolated or is it that I am separated more than they are? It doesn't make sense to think I'm any different than the people around me, but it doesn't make any sense to treat myself the way they seem to treat themselves.

I almost cried several times today, just trying to understand and be understood about the simplest things; where I was going when I left the house, why I was mopping at 10 in the morning, what I was going to have for lunch.

So. Far. Away. So much of who I am goes on behind my skin.

And so busy. Alone, alone, alone, and unable to express myself. It is not anyone's fault that I feel this way but my own. How I hate emotions. God has a plan for them, some reason why I feel like my gut is being ripped open, but for my life I cannot see it. I always seem to have to be discouraging emotions as they seem to lead me in all sorts of the wrong directions, to selfish ends.

My peace is a restless and brooding one. It feels odd that I must fight for and adamantly defend my sense of peace and confident rest, but so it must be, I suppose.

A friend of mine was teasing me, yesterday, saying that I hate children. We both knew it wasn't true and that he was just joking, but for some reason a sensitive and volatile part of me wanted to lash out and tell him to hold his silence if the only thing he could say was something that would make me less like my friends. I want very much to be a part of a Christian whole, here, and I just can't feel it happening.

And I'm sitting in the Reading Room, crying at a computer screen. Brilliant. I am so very tired.

(Yeah, don't worry: tomorrow I will rest and be healed and get a bus pass and enough sleep and not wear shoes that give me blisters.)

3 comments:

Geoff said...

Sorry to hear your worries. I feel like ever since I started working on my own in Italy that nobody has "really" gotten to know me. And in a way I feel like I'm still getting to know myself.

It hasn't gotten much better really, but I feel like nobody will get to know me like they should. I am naturally quiet and sometimes I will end up talkative and goofy but that's never really "me". I guess the point is that I'm naturally a loner and will always be but it's never the worst thing in the world to be. I just feel the best when I'm by myself.

Hope this helps. You may indeed have gotten alot of great beauty sleep and feeling the best you have in days and none of this will be any reassurance. Go figure.

--Geoff-ff

Caddy said...

Wow. I understand exactly how you feel. Except for me it's with my parents. I don't particularly like the phrase I'm about to use, but sometimes I feel that it sums things up: It sucks ass. (Ok, now my skin is crawling and I feel that I need to wash my mouth out with soap...or bleach).

I've always been sort of a loner, and I have always known that deep down, my parents don't really know me, but it's become extremely obvious and harmful to our relationship since I've gone away to college. I can never say what I think or feel without there being a big (unnecessary) uproar about it. The only time I consistently get along with my parents is when I never ever say what I'm thinking or feeling, and I don't know what to do about it or how to remedy the situation and it HURTS. REALLY BAD. Worse than lemon juice in a paper cut.

I don't really know why I just said all that except to tell you that I know how you feel. I wish I could give some advice, but I don't have any to give. But here are some hugs: HUG!HUG!HUG!

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