Thursday, June 21

Ghosts appear and fade away (over the woven waves).

'Even though you're a big strong girl,
The best made plans are your open hands.'
(Deb Talan's Big Strong Girl)

I like this song. In fact, there's a lot of stuff by her that I like. Comfort is another favourite.

I love my life here. It is right that I went away to begin growing up and away, I think, and right that I came here to start the process. There's a lot of things I'd like to put into words that sound hollow when I try to attach serifs and pixels to them. I'll leave them unsaid for now.

Especially at night I worry over situations that
I know will be alright--it's just overkill.
(Colin Hay's Overkill)

Those lines, too, make me laugh.

Thursday, June 14

Essay-writing highs.

I am at 1000 words in four hours and feeling a bit suspiciously confident. This is scary. I can basically trace some of my surefire flaws (the ones I always have to edit later rather than in progress). I know where my conclusion is headed.

Dude. This is the weirdest feeling. And I know LOTR so well that finding references is not hard . . . and the weird bits that don't quite make sense for the plot when you read it the first time through are actually so very well placed . . . you'd never guess until you need to think about how it all works. I still cannot believe how very tight and compact that book is.

Tolkien was such an incredible genius.

Yes, I am pulling an all-nighter. I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow. She says she wants to edit my paper for conciseness because there's a bunch of students having that problem right now (very valid with me, I know) but also I hope she will be excited about the thoughts in the essay as she considers Tolkien just as much candy as I do.

If I can stay awake. Tomorrow afternoon I am coming home to SLEEP.

Tuesday, June 12

An Apt Blog: because it wouldn't really be appropriate anywhere else.

I tried to speak up and say what I wanted and needed today, but it didn't really get heard or noticed. I got tired, so I stopped trying. Prolly not that great of an idea, the whole giving-up thing. People at home know me better and care for me more efficiently--right now I feel as if I am very hard to get to know.

It is not fun, being cryptic or whatever it is that separates me from other people so very much. Is it that I see it so starkly that makes me feel so isolated or is it that I am separated more than they are? It doesn't make sense to think I'm any different than the people around me, but it doesn't make any sense to treat myself the way they seem to treat themselves.

I almost cried several times today, just trying to understand and be understood about the simplest things; where I was going when I left the house, why I was mopping at 10 in the morning, what I was going to have for lunch.

So. Far. Away. So much of who I am goes on behind my skin.

And so busy. Alone, alone, alone, and unable to express myself. It is not anyone's fault that I feel this way but my own. How I hate emotions. God has a plan for them, some reason why I feel like my gut is being ripped open, but for my life I cannot see it. I always seem to have to be discouraging emotions as they seem to lead me in all sorts of the wrong directions, to selfish ends.

My peace is a restless and brooding one. It feels odd that I must fight for and adamantly defend my sense of peace and confident rest, but so it must be, I suppose.

A friend of mine was teasing me, yesterday, saying that I hate children. We both knew it wasn't true and that he was just joking, but for some reason a sensitive and volatile part of me wanted to lash out and tell him to hold his silence if the only thing he could say was something that would make me less like my friends. I want very much to be a part of a Christian whole, here, and I just can't feel it happening.

And I'm sitting in the Reading Room, crying at a computer screen. Brilliant. I am so very tired.

(Yeah, don't worry: tomorrow I will rest and be healed and get a bus pass and enough sleep and not wear shoes that give me blisters.)

Friday, June 8

Responding to a Comment.

In response to Amanda's comment on my post (http://anstruther.blogspot.com/2006/09/love-will-set-you-free-right.html), may I offer my thanks for her response. I meant the song lyrics to express emotion, and I do agree that truth is very important. I think truth and love are very closely intertwined.