Tuesday, August 1

The kind of introspection that makes you want to learn French.

To the high annoyance of most of my friends, I tend to take a lot of time in analyzing my own motives.

The part that annoys them is that I am usually wrong, but I don't mean to talk about that (and my wish to sometimes talk about my own motives is a tricky subject since I'm hypersensitive and then it comes across as a selfish way to inject my nearest and dearest with complete and utter, unadulterated misery--even if I never HAVE asked them if they think these pants make me look fat).

Sometimes I hit the right idea, and those times act like gambling machines on retirees . . . very unhealthy but OH SO ADDICTIVE. And as a bonus, I can do it all day long in the comfort of raggy clothes, stopping only to cross streets and complain about the price of coffee.

For example;

I realized on my travels that I like to smile at women who have small children. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS.

It's a fairly harmless question, like most mundane things. But why is it that I do this thing?

What are my experiences with taking care of children . . . well, for one--being embarrassed when I can't control the annoyance they create for others. I don't like baby-sitting since so many parents have a bajillion parenting styles and even with my training in family systems and growing up with a highly multicultural background, there are no words to explain "what WAS I doing taking Jimmy to the park when clearly it was time for board games" and "why did I not know this song to sing as Emily goes to sleep?" and "why did I mention the word 'bathroom' when the only word that Jenny knows for that is that ambiguous word 'peepee'?" and I can't seem to comprehend why parents get angry when I tell their children that they "can't" do something.

End rant; wrap up: maybe I'm trying to avoid making women uncomfortable who might already feel as if they are a burden to the people holding open doors, carrying things, and stepping aside for them. I would. I have. (Point against: I'm weird that way.)

Also, maybe it is just that I like the fact that people spend time with their children, and I want people being with their children to have some sort of positive reinforcement. I hope I don't come across as a baby-stealing creep, because that wouldn't be good . . . I guess I see a lot of negativity when it comes to people and their children. Lots of people consider children to be a burden and a nuisance. I don't like that.

Maybe deep in my subconscious it is a wish to have children for myself? Ew, that sounds so wrong right now. Can't rule it out, though; a lot of my friends are getting, as my grandmother says, "P.G." . . . and having "kiddlins". Thank goodness I have some obstacles before I have to deal with that sort of vocabulary from her; the traditional steps of boyfriend, fiancee, and husband (preferably the same person who merely changes titles when the convenience strikes) are still firmly in place.

Like you, I'm going with option A, and I think you've made a wise choice. However, as you can see, out time is at an end. Thank you for coming and listening in! Tune in next time on "Introspection: How Low Can You Go?"

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