I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may be meant for a life of academia. It's what I'm good at. It's what I love. And it is becoming clearer every day that I was not meant for a life of relational activities.
This explains why I am not great at my job, and why I don't like it. This explains why the idea of marriage or even courtship is not something I find attractive. This confirms the reason I chose not to continue in my training as a linguistic interpreter. This confirms my reluctance to work with community activities.
Is it selfish, I wonder, to not want to work with people? The reason I ask is that one of my friends says that "the final ontology is relational", meaning that when the final judgment falls on us, God will judge us by how we have treated other people. I know that God will judge us on our deeds, our words, and how they reflect our beliefs.
"Whatever you do, do it with all your heart for the Lord." (Colossians 3:23)
I have to take this into account, but do I take it into account in the sense that it supports my love of books and research, or do I take it to mean that I should find something I'm totally sure about? And "with all your heart" doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to like whatever it is.
"Where your treasure is, there also is your heart." (Matthew 12:34)
Is my heart in books? I don't know; my heart is in helping people, and in writing. Somehow, I have to join the two. I've got faith that this will happen, but I don't know how . . . and my faith is not misplaced, surely it cannot be misplaced.
Anyway, it's been a hard time of it, deciding what I want to do with my life. I still don't know. Maybe I just won't know, ever. Bweh.