Tuesday, August 29

Deciding on an academic life.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may be meant for a life of academia. It's what I'm good at. It's what I love. And it is becoming clearer every day that I was not meant for a life of relational activities.

This explains why I am not great at my job, and why I don't like it. This explains why the idea of marriage or even courtship is not something I find attractive. This confirms the reason I chose not to continue in my training as a linguistic interpreter. This confirms my reluctance to work with community activities.

Is it selfish, I wonder, to not want to work with people? The reason I ask is that one of my friends says that "the final ontology is relational", meaning that when the final judgment falls on us, God will judge us by how we have treated other people. I know that God will judge us on our deeds, our words, and how they reflect our beliefs.

"Whatever you do, do it with all your heart for the Lord." (Colossians 3:23)

I have to take this into account, but do I take it into account in the sense that it supports my love of books and research, or do I take it to mean that I should find something I'm totally sure about? And "with all your heart" doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to like whatever it is.

"Where your treasure is, there also is your heart." (Matthew 12:34)

Is my heart in books? I don't know; my heart is in helping people, and in writing. Somehow, I have to join the two. I've got faith that this will happen, but I don't know how . . . and my faith is not misplaced, surely it cannot be misplaced.

Anyway, it's been a hard time of it, deciding what I want to do with my life. I still don't know. Maybe I just won't know, ever. Bweh.

1 comment:

14 said...

I am going through a very similar ordeal at the moment. Or, rather, just went through the motions and finally came to a conclusion. Though, not quite the same as choosing a life of academia, it will certainly feel like it by the time I have reached my academic goal. I chose the books over people too. But I am a strong believer in that you can help people from afar - who ever said it was about quantity anyhow? Just help the people that matter right?
Yeah, to heart set goals!