Tuesday, November 1

I don't think I'll "get" this life, ever.

Yes. I have just sufficiently annoyed a roommate, forgotten how to do my class work (algebra; I've always been terrible at it--don't ask), got a hole in my styrofoam cup-o-noodles, and discovered that my toes are cold.

Am beginning to feel, in this altered state of mind, that I don't. do. enough.

Which is preposterous. I am an overachiever in the worst sense of the word. Anybody who knows me knows this, and a lot of people blame that for my quietude, my lack of affinity for a huge social life. I will have you know, I have bought shoes! I have! I cook good food for my family, I clean up, I get A's, I look nice when I go out . . . I hug people who smell. Why do I feel like such a loser?

Of course, this won't last. But I hate it while it does. I'm sure if this out of any of my entries will get replies, it will be because whoever does comment will not realise that I am separate from this mood. It is like a fly that buzzes around my head, a splinter, a crick in my neck. It is not lasting, or too harmful. I'm sure I'm reminded by it of what I really should be doing, where my priorities are--that I am not tied up with details of dishes and clothing. If it is harmful, then I'm the only one to blame, anyway--it is me and me alone that caters to my moods. I encourage them or discourage them.

It is odd how simple it seems to be when you type it out like that. Moods are, after all, very powerful things.

To feel better tomorrow:
1. Post on your online class, or die a painful death.
2. Do the dishes, or suffer unimaginable guilt.
3. Take out the trash, would you? You forgot this morning.
4. And can you get your laundry out of the room downstairs?
5. Clean your room. Looks like a pigpen in there.
6. Don't suppose you could make something to eat so that they'd be able to have food when they get home, do you? I mean, it isn't as if you have anything to DO if you stay at home. May as well make dinner so that you will have done something tangible for your fellow human beings.
7. Also, stop being a jerk, especially on your blog when God and everybody can see it.

Somehow, I know I'll post this. I wrote a great vignette in math class today, about a shop I went into in Venice, and another shop that I loved, and how I was reminded of T.S. Eliot. Speaking of, I should read Murder in the Cathedral. I tend to like that kind of stuff, you know.

Now I really will stop being an idiot. Trust me, I'll write an antipodes entry tomorrow and make myself feel better. I might even respond to the replies, like I've been meaning to. *sigh*

Meanwhile, I'm going to brush and oil and put up my hair, drink my latte and lotion my hands, then clean my teeth and wash my face and crawl into bed and hope that I can get to sleep, not like last night.

What will get me out of this stupid funk? I should write a prayer, make a cup of hot tea, do some breathing exercises, pet my cat, and get some sleep. All these would make me feel better, and work better. I feel so discouraged, right now. This is lame.

1 comment:

leibniz said...

i used to have bouts like this, which i termed "contemplative depressions." it wasn't that i was really depressed, but rather that the "depression" was a side-effect of a contemplative mood.

i love eliot. have i mentioned to you that the mrs is carrying our first child? we're quite excited. thus far, in negotiations, i have secured the names eliot, poe, and emerson as possibilites. i recall having discussed the emerson angle with you before - but it is now a distinct possibility. well, eliot is, anyway. we like emerson for a girl's name, but any first females will have to take my wife's choice of aubren (which is her middle name). but, should the little bugger be a boy, he'll likely be named eliot, and there is a fair chance he shall be named "eliot poe kazee." have i mentioned that my great-grandfather was named edgar poe kazee?