Thursday, September 15

Yet another introspective oddity of me.

I like to please people. It's why I didn't do badly in school (except for English Lit. and Latin, which were escapes) and why I feel guilty when the kitchen isn't clean. It's why I am polite to people in uncomfortable social situations--don't want to put my friends in a bad spot or get them upset with me because I'm different. I want my friends and family to feel good, when it doesn't get in the way of anything (I try not to take the consequences for others' actions or enable them to continue something unhealthy) and might build them up a little.

Of course, I botch it all the time--I seem to not have that gift of being spontaneous that most of my family has, and trying to plan so that I can do something nice for them often turns me on my head and rubs them the wrong way. They may need to realise that it is dashed hard to practise being spontaneous when it isn't natural in your personality already, but I know there is something about that particular gift that I'm missing, too, so I can't exactly pass judgment on them. Pot calling the kettle black, and all that.

The fact that I'm oversensitive to my own needs doesn't help, either--I constantly feel like I'm making a martyr of myself, if I don't really feel like being nice. (Note: feeling like a martyr doesn't mean you are one.) Then the feeling like a martyr thing makes me not want to do anything nice at all--which goes back to the thing about doing good and not having to like it. I want to be useful.

Saying that to myself, I always get a flashback of one of my favourite teachers looking at me in his peculiarly focused way, saying "That is going to lead to a quick burnout." I love him for saying that because it has saved me needless pain, but I hate his saying it at the same time because it only voiced my confusion. I know that endurance alone is not going to pull me through, but what are my alternatives? I can't exactly enjoy life without knowing if I'm on the right track . . . some people can, and they tell me to "loosen up" or just "go with the flow", but I'm sticking it out that

1) It is so much more important to know I'm doing good than to know I'm having fun. (I was one of those kids who couldn't play until they had their work done.)

2) I'd rather have a real Joy than a giggly personality.

3) The whole "loosening up" thing has only ever got me into trouble, anyway.

Sounds weird to some of you. I'll stay on the safe side of the line in that sense. In popular psychology/spirituality/whathaveyou that is the BIGGEST line to cross. It isn't.

This entry is getting long and my brain is shorting out because of the music, and I need to go bake some oatcakes. I hope they bring home apples and cheese. Or pears. Pears would be fine with oatcakes too.

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