Have you ever had one of those days . . . ? Of course you have. I'm sure everyone has at one time or another. It is hard to recognize it sometimes except in retrospect. You feel everything coming to a head, sharp and hot, and your breath seems short throughout the day. If you are by yourself you can hear your heart beating, beating, beating.
One phrase that you think might be the answer keeps pulsing in your brain, leaping into your throat along with your heart. Are you sure you haven't said it out loud to anybody? Has it been whispered when you were thinking of something else? Will anybody recognize it?
Sometimes, for reasons explainable but not satisfactorily so, I cry . . . It doesn't matter where I am or who I am with. A wrenching ache sounds like twisting metal inside of me and all of a sudden my eyes overflow with tears and I am left in the slightly damp and uncomfortable wake of tears that I could hardly see coming.
Then, of course, there is the moment when I excuse myself quietly and stand looking at the inside of a bathroom stall. Is it over? Are you done? No, there's a silent flood--overwhelming and leaving me helpless--of those silent, mouth-contorting half-sobs that remain silent and leave your human form so pitiable, and ugly.
People don't want to comfort you when you look like that and haven't been through some event that excuses such behavior; the kind seen in movies (even then, they don't cry like that in movies) or soap operas.
The gut-wrenching, retching feeling that leaves your legs weak and your arms shaking and your face splotched and red, your eyes swollen and your nose running. So human, so disgustingly mortal.
One of the hardest things about being a Christian is living in the world and not being of the world. I live here, but I don't belong here. I love people here, but this place and this situation is one that isn't what I was meant for. Life is no vale of tears, but I can't "eat, drink, and be merry" either.
I ramble. I am in a bad space right now. I haven't been able to write something I LIKE for a long time. Things are changing. To clinch it all, I'm getting unfavourable commentaries on my behavior when I am doing my best. Best isn't good enough. Don't you dare let down your guard for a moment; they live in a different world.
"No, I'm trying not to cry so I can eat." I have said that twice in the past two weeks. It is making me sick.
Of course, though--now I have one of those headaches that DOESN'T GO AWAY! I wonder WHY it has to be in celebration of hope that I feel like I have got so little and that it is my fault. I love. I believe. The hard thing is to hope. But hope does not disappoint us. I know that; I know.