Wednesday, October 13

a mock trial

And so I walked back to my room on the second landing, trying to figure out how and why what I had assumed would be a mild victory over a common opponent turned out to be a total failure, at least on my part. My ability to cope with my own feelings is a weakness that must be mastered. After a skirmish like so, I have learned that it is best to not try and nourish a wounded pride or resentful vanity or even give ear to what my other emotions are telling me.

First, calm down. Do not start a long term project or try to write something to cheer myself up or beat myself to a pulp. Sit silently and think, or do something productive. Do not use fiction as an escape. Think, recall, and replay. Where do I need to apologize? What should I have done? By the time the sitting and thinking part is over, I am usually ready to go and talk about it or somebody has come to my door wondering if I still exist.

I don't understand why I do the things I do or think the things I think sometimes, when others are very different from me. Especially the thinking. My assessments of people can be totally wrong or "very insightful" and there are times when I never know the difference. Unfortunately, there is something fascinating in the human method of going about the thinking process that involves a subjective and biased perspective as well as a good bit of guesswork. A lot off people don't like to admit that; doing so admits in turn that they might be wrong sometimes. How damaging to the human sense of pride above all . . .

I felt first very angry, then resentful, and now I only feel foolish.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Very insightful post, indeed ;)

--Dessie

miss rika said...

to Dessie:

I hope so. I am not sure . . . *grrr* More tea, of course, will discover the truth.